We asked this question in an Instagram poll on 6th November to understand how people feel about the importance we place on looks in our friendships.
Illustration by Mike Rumbles
70% of the respondents agreed that we have normalised making friends based on looks with the vast majority (61%) saying we are placing too much value on it and only 9% saying it's important and therefore should be normalised, with one respondent saying, “external appearance is a way of asserting identity and self-worth”. 22% believed that some people do but most don’t, and 9% thought we generally look beyond appearance when forming friendships.
So, what does the research say about the role looks and appearance play in our friendships? Let’s dig into it.
Looks and appearance have been shown to play a particularly significant role in friendships among gay, bi and queer (GBQ) men, possibly more so than in straight men’s friendships, due to several overlapping social, cultural, and psychological factors.
Our community has historically placed significant value on physical appearance, often as a means of asserting identity and acceptance within a group that has traditionally been marginalised.
Some studies suggest that this emphasis on appearance can become a marker of in-group belonging, and looking a certain way may signal shared values or social status. This has been referred to as the “gay beauty ideal,” and studies suggest that maintaining this ideal can have social benefits within our communities, where friendships are sometimes built on perceived attractiveness or a shared commitment to certain appearance standards.
Physical Appearance and Social Value
The perceived value of physical appearance in our friendships can also be seen as an extension of the dating scene, where appearance is often considered more central than in heterosexual dating. Unlike straight male friendships, which tend to emphasise mutual activities or shared hobbies, some research suggests that GBQ men may initially bond through shared networks or events that have an appearance-focused social component (e.g., gym culture, pride events). This shared experience creates a culture where physical appearance and fitness are tied to social value, which can influence how friendships are formed and maintained.
Identity Expression and Body Image
Appearance can be an expression of identity, which holds particular relevance for GBQ men due to the intersection of sexuality and visibility. For many of us, appearance-related choices, including fashion and body fitness, are ways of affirming our identity publicly. Research highlights that many GBQ men feel they have to navigate a more stringent body image standard within their social circles, and this emphasis on appearance is sometimes internalised through friendships.
One study found that GBQ men frequently feel pressure to conform to idealised body types and that this pressure can influence the quality and depth of our social interactions. This can lead to both positive and negative outcomes—on one hand, shared fitness goals or appearance standards can foster camaraderie; on the other hand, these standards can become exclusionary or competitive, impacting self-esteem and friendship dynamics.
Media Perpetuating Stereotypes
Media representation plays a powerful role in shaping societal values, and GBQ men have historically been represented with an emphasis on appearance, which perpetuates certain stereotypes. This often manifests in friendships where maintaining a "polished" appearance becomes a shared, socially reinforced expectation. Many of us grew up with media images that portrayed idealised physiques and “aspirational” aesthetics, which can influence how we view ourselves and our friends. As a result, appearance sometimes becomes a benchmark for social approval and acceptance within friendships, creating an implicit standard that might not be as pronounced in straight male friendships.
Social Hierarchies and Status
In some parts of our community, attractiveness is closely linked with social status. Studies have observed that in gay friendships, there can be an unspoken hierarchy where physical appearance influences one's social standing. This can create environments where individuals feel pressured to maintain certain physical standards to secure or retain social validation from peers. One study of social hierarchies in gay men’s friendships found that, compared to their straight counterparts, gay men were more likely to experience friend groups where appearance was prioritised and those who met certain appearance standards were more readily accepted or celebrated within the group.
The Dating and Friendship Intersection
For many GBQ men, the boundaries between dating and friendships are less clear-cut, creating environments where attraction and appearance can more easily influence friendship dynamics. Research has shown that we often form friendships with former partners or develop friendships that later evolve into romantic or sexual relationships. Given this fluidity, the role of attraction—and, by extension, appearance—can become a significant factor in our friendships in ways that it typically does not for straight men. This can mean that appearance, while not the sole factor in friendship quality, can play a role in initial friend attraction or be a lingering factor within friendships.
To Conclude
The emphasis on appearance within friendships is a multifaceted phenomenon, driven by societal pressures, media representation, and social dynamics that prioritise physical presentation. Understanding these dynamics provides a better awareness of how physical appearance impacts not only self-esteem but also social bonds and community connections within our community, revealing both the supportive and challenging aspects of appearance-focused friendships.
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